There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
