watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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