this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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