i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
