Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
