dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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