Your face is a jimmy john
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
