i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
