this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
