Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
and you fell through a lawn chair
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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