my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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