I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
