some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
