I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
