so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
