And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
