I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
