did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
