haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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