forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
