Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
