why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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