please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
