I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
