He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
