You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
