Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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