dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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