I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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