Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
