Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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