my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
