how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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