You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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