Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
