At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
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