i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
