I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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