she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
