I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
