I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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