I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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