he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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