It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
