all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She bit a glass in half.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
