I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
