i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
