I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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