I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
