I want to have your abortion
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
