I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
