Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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