At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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