My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
