your parents love me but you hate me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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