guys are only as good as the porn they watch
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
