My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we should paint friendship bongs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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